Once upon a time, my friend Banjo Mike’s daughters explained to me how to tell if your piece of pizza was a boy or a girl. This was my first experience in sexing food (and even I will admit that it seemed based on suspiciously flimsy grounds).
However, did you know that there really are gender differences between things like brownies, cookies, and M&Ms? It’s quite easy to tell: the boy ones have nuts, and the girl ones don’t.
Did I ever tell you about my college roommate’s brother’s M&M survival tests?
Here’s what he’d do: first, he’d buy a bag of plain M&Ms, and take out two at random. Next, he’d hold them lying flat, one on top of the other, between his thumb and index finger, and gently squeeze them together. Whichever one started to crack first lost the survival test, and the winner moved on to the next round.
He’d go through the entire bag this way, squeezing two M&Ms together, setting aside the winner and eating the loser. After all the rounds, he would be left with one M&M that never cracked.
He would then mail this one back to the M&M Mars, with a letter explaining that it was a champion and should be used “for breeding purposes.”
Ah, college.
I just thought of a great Halloween costume for a single guy: go to a Halloween party dressed as a Starbucks employee, and carrying a messenger bag/satchel.
Then, when anyone says something like, “so, you’re dressed as a Starbucks worker?” you say, “no, I’m an out-of-work actor” – and from the messenger bag you whip out a headshot with all your information on the back.
See, the glory of this costume is that it lets you give your phone number to every girl at the party, whether she’s with a guy or not, and no one can complain. Plus, it’s funny, and you just might get a couple calls.
Of course, I think I’d go with 4×6 or 5×7 headshots, instead of 8×10’s – the smaller photos would be easier for the girls to hang onto. But also, prepare yourself for the end of the night when you see your discarded photos all over the place.
Everyone saw Gangs of New York, right?
Well, the movie that I’d like to see is Gangs of New Hampshire.
This is a photo from the recent plane ditching in the Hudson River (since no one got hurt, it’s okay to joke). It seems obvious to me which person in this photo was not paying attention during the pre-flight safety instruction:
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