Category Archives: humor

Know the Gender of Your Baked Goods

Boy brownieOnce upon a time, my friend Banjo Mike’s daughters explained to me how to tell if your piece of pizza was a boy or a girl. This was my first experience in sexing food (and even I will admit that it seemed based on suspiciously flimsy grounds).

However, did you know that there really are gender differences between things like brownies, cookies, and M&Ms? It’s quite easy to tell: the boy ones have nuts, and the girl ones don’t.

Survival Test

MM testDid I ever tell you about my college roommate’s brother’s M&M survival tests?

Here’s what he’d do: first, he’d buy a bag of plain M&Ms, and take out two at random. Next, he’d hold them lying flat, one on top of the other, between his thumb and index finger, and gently squeeze them together. Whichever one started to crack first lost the survival test, and the winner moved on to the next round.

He’d go through the entire bag this way, squeezing two M&Ms together, setting aside the winner and eating the loser. After all the rounds, he would be left with one M&M that never cracked.

He would then mail this one back to the M&M Mars, with a letter explaining that it was a champion and should be used “for breeding purposes.”

Ah, college.

Halloween Costume for Single Guy

Starbucks employeeI just thought of a great Halloween costume for a single guy: go to a Halloween party dressed as a Starbucks employee, and carrying a messenger bag/satchel.

Then, when anyone says something like, “so, you’re dressed as a Starbucks worker?” you say, “no, I’m an out-of-work actor” – and from the messenger bag you whip out a headshot with all your information on the back.

See, the glory of this costume is that it lets you give your phone number to every girl at the party, whether she’s with a guy or not, and no one can complain. Plus, it’s funny, and you just might get a couple calls.

Of course, I think I’d go with 4×6 or 5×7 headshots, instead of 8×10’s – the smaller photos would be easier for the girls to hang onto. But also, prepare yourself for the end of the night when you see your discarded photos all over the place.

Business Names Sure To Fail

  • Grub & Rub – Combination restaurant/massage parlor. Questions:
    • Would you eat before, during or after the massage?
    • Would the waiter and the masseuse be the same person?
  • Sloppy Seconds – Lingerie consignment store

Movie I’d Like To See

Gangs of New HampshireEveryone saw Gangs of New York, right?

Well, the movie that I’d like to see is Gangs of New Hampshire.

I See You Weren’t Paying Attention

This is a photo from the recent plane ditching in the Hudson River (since no one got hurt, it’s okay to joke). It seems obvious to me which person in this photo was not paying attention during the pre-flight safety instruction: