New Diet: Vicarious Kiss Diet

chocolate lipsSo, when women diet, they give up eating chocolate, pizza, ice cream, and pretty much anything else that tastes good, right?

But most of those things have strong smells, right? So here’s my diet idea:

Women give up eating those things, but then could hire a guy to eat one of them for her. Then, with the chocolate or whatever still on his lips, he would make out with her.

That way, see, she can eat her favorite foods vicariously through their kissing, but without adding any of the calories.

In fact, they might end up burning calories.

I think this is going to be The Next Big Diet – but don’t call it a fad. Watch for it.

Halloween Costume for Single Guy

Starbucks employeeI just thought of a great Halloween costume for a single guy: go to a Halloween party dressed as a Starbucks employee, and carrying a messenger bag/satchel.

Then, when anyone says something like, “so, you’re dressed as a Starbucks worker?” you say, “no, I’m an out-of-work actor” – and from the messenger bag you whip out a headshot with all your information on the back.

See, the glory of this costume is that it lets you give your phone number to every girl at the party, whether she’s with a guy or not, and no one can complain. Plus, it’s funny, and you just might get a couple calls.

Of course, I think I’d go with 4×6 or 5×7 headshots, instead of 8×10’s – the smaller photos would be easier for the girls to hang onto. But also, prepare yourself for the end of the night when you see your discarded photos all over the place.

Night Vision

nighteyeWhy is that when you wake up in the middle of the night, you have to wait until your eyes adjust to the darkness?

Since your eyes were closed when you were asleep, shouldn’t they be adjusted already?

Dual-Action Toothpaste

toothpasteInstead of just cleaning teeth, I’d like to see a toothpaste that multi-tasks.

It could contain tryptophan (and taste like turkey), so that when you brush at night, it also makes you a little bit sleepy.

And then, there could be a special morning toothpaste that contains caffeine or some other stimulant, so that it helps wake you up.

Of course, the real beauty of this marketing gimmick is that people would buy twice as much toothpaste – a “morning” tube and an “evening” tube. I think it’d be best if both kinds came in a single tube, perhaps with a cap on each end – there would still only be half as much in each tube, but people wouldn’t have to try to figure out how to fit two tubes of toothpaste in their medicine cabinet.

Business Names Sure To Fail

  • Grub & Rub – Combination restaurant/massage parlor. Questions:
    • Would you eat before, during or after the massage?
    • Would the waiter and the masseuse be the same person?
  • Sloppy Seconds – Lingerie consignment store

Movie I’d Like To See

Gangs of New HampshireEveryone saw Gangs of New York, right?

Well, the movie that I’d like to see is Gangs of New Hampshire.

Making Better Casts

I’ve never had a cast, but I always hear how much they make the skin underneath itch. What if they were made with plastic tubing embedded in them, next to the skin? That way, cold or hot water could be run through it, which might relieve the itch.

Or, the plastic tubing could be withdrawn after the cast dries, leaving an “access channel” that spirals around the limb. Then, when the itching starts, you could snake in a long pipe cleaner or something like that to scratch it. As long as the channel isn’t very big, the cast itself should still remain strong and rigid.

That seems to make sense to me. Here are two enjoyable cast-related photos for you:

accident slings

accident slings

Anatomical Cast Illustrations

Anatomical Cast Illustrations