Cruel Experiment

Bug zapper and bug sprayI wonder what would happened if you sprayed a bug zapper with bug repellent – would the bugs still die after being attracted to the light, or would the repellent keep them from getting zapped?

Maybe they would cancel each other out, or maybe they work on totally different principles and neither would affect the other. Still, I wonder…

Dating Advice

Turning up the thermostatSomething no one tells a single guy before he starts dating is this: expect your heating bill to go up.

Survival Test

MM testDid I ever tell you about my college roommate’s brother’s M&M survival tests?

Here’s what he’d do: first, he’d buy a bag of plain M&Ms, and take out two at random. Next, he’d hold them lying flat, one on top of the other, between his thumb and index finger, and gently squeeze them together. Whichever one started to crack first lost the survival test, and the winner moved on to the next round.

He’d go through the entire bag this way, squeezing two M&Ms together, setting aside the winner and eating the loser. After all the rounds, he would be left with one M&M that never cracked.

He would then mail this one back to the M&M Mars, with a letter explaining that it was a champion and should be used “for breeding purposes.”

Ah, college.

Product Idea: Scented Hair Dryers

blow dryerJust in time for Christmas, here’s another product I should invent: a hair dryer that uses perfume capsules.

The hair dryer would blow dry hair as normal, of course. However, it would also have a little compartment into which you would drop a scented capsule – say “shampoo,” “the beach,” “lavender,” “cotton candy,” etc. The heat would activate the scent, so that when you’re done, that’s what your hair would smell like.

Reasons why this fits the model of modern American products:

  • it is a superficial gimmick and no one needs it
  • it is curious enough to be exactly the kind of thing someone would want to give as a gift, but also just distasteful enough that they would not actually want for themselves
  • the key component is consumable, which means customers will have to keep buying (very expensive) refills of the scent capsules

New Diet: Vicarious Kiss Diet

chocolate lipsSo, when women diet, they give up eating chocolate, pizza, ice cream, and pretty much anything else that tastes good, right?

But most of those things have strong smells, right? So here’s my diet idea:

Women give up eating those things, but then could hire a guy to eat one of them for her. Then, with the chocolate or whatever still on his lips, he would make out with her.

That way, see, she can eat her favorite foods vicariously through their kissing, but without adding any of the calories.

In fact, they might end up burning calories.

I think this is going to be The Next Big Diet – but don’t call it a fad. Watch for it.

Halloween Costume for Single Guy

Starbucks employeeI just thought of a great Halloween costume for a single guy: go to a Halloween party dressed as a Starbucks employee, and carrying a messenger bag/satchel.

Then, when anyone says something like, “so, you’re dressed as a Starbucks worker?” you say, “no, I’m an out-of-work actor” – and from the messenger bag you whip out a headshot with all your information on the back.

See, the glory of this costume is that it lets you give your phone number to every girl at the party, whether she’s with a guy or not, and no one can complain. Plus, it’s funny, and you just might get a couple calls.

Of course, I think I’d go with 4×6 or 5×7 headshots, instead of 8×10’s – the smaller photos would be easier for the girls to hang onto. But also, prepare yourself for the end of the night when you see your discarded photos all over the place.

Night Vision

nighteyeWhy is that when you wake up in the middle of the night, you have to wait until your eyes adjust to the darkness?

Since your eyes were closed when you were asleep, shouldn’t they be adjusted already?

Dual-Action Toothpaste

toothpasteInstead of just cleaning teeth, I’d like to see a toothpaste that multi-tasks.

It could contain tryptophan (and taste like turkey), so that when you brush at night, it also makes you a little bit sleepy.

And then, there could be a special morning toothpaste that contains caffeine or some other stimulant, so that it helps wake you up.

Of course, the real beauty of this marketing gimmick is that people would buy twice as much toothpaste – a “morning” tube and an “evening” tube. I think it’d be best if both kinds came in a single tube, perhaps with a cap on each end – there would still only be half as much in each tube, but people wouldn’t have to try to figure out how to fit two tubes of toothpaste in their medicine cabinet.

Business Names Sure To Fail

  • Grub & Rub – Combination restaurant/massage parlor. Questions:
    • Would you eat before, during or after the massage?
    • Would the waiter and the masseuse be the same person?
  • Sloppy Seconds – Lingerie consignment store

Movie I’d Like To See

Gangs of New HampshireEveryone saw Gangs of New York, right?

Well, the movie that I’d like to see is Gangs of New Hampshire.